Careful, Your Extrinsic is Showing...
Photo by Robert Linder on Unsplash
Let’s talk feedback, shall we?
I've hit a long, dry spell with arts and crafts. We're talking Bill-Murray-eating-talcum-powder-in-the-Sahara-desert level of dry. I feel like I should be distressed, but I'm actually ambivalent. And discombobulated.
Because, absurdly, at the exact same time, I'm in the thrumming flow of a personal Renaissance - filled with creativity and joy. I'm learning a language, teaching myself piano, exploring my voice, and creating a new world for future writing. I'm experimenting with new ways to teach my children. I'm deep into a wellness adventure that's generating personal paradigm shifts at every turn. Seriously... wheeeeee!!!
That being the case, what the heck is up with my inner visual artist? I'm kind of missing her. Like, a lot. What cupboard has she locked herself in, and how do I get her out?
If you, too, have ever found yourself de-motivated to do something you truly feel called to do, or know somebody for whom this rings true, listen up! This just might be the key...
The extrinsic golden cage
From the time we could first comprehend what we heard, we were being spoon-fed commentary, such as:
"You're so cute!"
"What a nice, quiet child!"
"Wow, look at you already walking!"
Comments on what we looked like. Comments on how we behaved. Comments on what we produced (which, back then, amounted to sounds and messes, but I digress...)
This feedback was extrinsic, or on things external to our inner selves. Appearance, actions, and results.
What was notably missing? Intrinsic feedback - comments on who we were. Our character, our values, the wizard behind our curtain...
Admittedly, that's hard to suss out in a tyke, a.k.a. blob of potential. No one knew who we were going to become, least of all ourselves!
But as we got older, and the feedback failed to mature with us, those of us with higher approval needs began assigning importance to those surface remarks.
Oh, you like my outfit? Let me twirl, so you can see how pretty I am!
You approve of my good behavior? Let me put your needs ahead of mine to show how obedient I am.
You're impressed with my GPA? Watch me score another A+!
As a result, we and society were unintentionally grooming ourselves to do things for hit after hit of extrinsic motivation. Praise. Approval. Belonging.
It was no longer about the joy of simply doing or being. As our inner voices grew quieter, the world cranked up its volume.
And in that transition, our understanding of ourselves warped. We stopped valuing ourselves for the glorious fact of our existence, and started feeling like we were only "good enough" when we produced. Addictions started here: approval addiction, productivity addiction, perfectionism.
Now, as an artist, the comments can look something like this:
“Your artwork is amazing!”
“You're so talented.”
“You should go to art school/go professional.”
“I couldn't do what you do.”
On the surface, this kind of critique sounds good and feels great... in that moment. And from a perfect stranger, they're about the best we can expect.
But from those who know us, the ones who have meaningful influence in our lives...
What we really want to hear is NOT "Your artwork is amazing!" but, instead, "YOU are amazing."
Instead of "You're so gifted/talented" (implying a win in the genetic lottery), how about "I can see the amount of effort you put into this, and it blows me away."
Forget "You should go to art school/go professional." We'll decide that for ourselves, thank you very much. Go with "You are so creative, and I hope you always find joy in expressing it."
And "I couldn't do what you do". Change that to "You inspire me!" No artist (who isn't pathologically insecure) wants to make someone feel lesser. We want to think that our skills, whatever they may be, are opening doors for and motivating others. That, in turn, inspires us to keep producing!
Try this feedback overhaul with the people in your life, and you'll initially meet resistance. Wholesome comments are never so gratifying as the insta-saccharine rush of extrinsic ego boosts. And if a person is pretty far gone down the trail of insecurity, they'll likely interpret your comments as insincere or a polite cover for "wow, that sucks". I mean, why else wouldn't you be saying how awesome their art is, like everyone else??
Give it time and consistency. I guarantee your comments will be the ones that stay with them long after the sugar high has become a sugar low. And, who knows, you might just be the one to help them see the value in themselves.
Professor Extrinsic in the Library with the Candlestick
I tell you all this as an artist who showed artistic acumen from an early age - and subsequently spent the next several decades creating for the sole purpose of compliments. Beyond early elementary, I cannot recall a single time where I created without the wrecking ball of what others might think rolling higgledy-piggledy through my mind. "Unveilings" became deeply stressful - what if they don't like it?? (read, with abject horror: What if they don't like ME??) - and any artwork I perceived as sub-par wasn't allowed to see the light of day. And that bar is raised. Daily. (I'm sure you can all agree that social media is the opposite of helpful here.)
I've stopped enjoying showing people my artwork and, by extension, the actual act of artistic creation has lost all of its appeal. There's currently a giant, gaping void between my artistic creativity and "for the sheer joy of creation."
It's no coincidence that the fruits of my personal Renaissance, the ones currently bringing me such joy, are all private and self-contained.
So, THAT is why my inner visual artist has locked herself away.
And, frankly, I don't blame her.
Where do we go from here?
If you're feeling like a victim of extrinsic praise - and I say this with love and empathy - stop it. Scapegoating is valueless, and crying over spilled milk just wastes precious breath. There's no malice in this system of feedback and social wiring. We now have awareness, and that puts us back in the driver's seat!
I'm grateful to have figured this out so early, and to have time to address it in not only myself, but also my children. And using my blog as a soapbox, maybe I can flap some butterfly wings at this thing.
Speaking of which, please, the next time an opportunity arises to compliment a child, a spouse, a friend, ask yourself first, are you praising the what... or the who?
And when extrinsic feedback is aimed at our own work... well, I haven't fully worked that out yet. But then, self actualizing takes a lifetime, so I suppose there's no rush :) Of course, I'm happy to keep you posted along the way!
To all of you readers (and to myself):
You inspire me! And you are enough... just as you are.
With all the love in the world,
Dawn
